Holy Toledo Batman, these last two weeks have been INSANE.
I feel like gak inside. Do you remember that blobby stuff your parents wouldn't let you have, back in the 90's?:) I feel like that. I feel so maleable, and unsure of my solid state.:)
Two weeks ago I was having an awful day...AGAIN. And then I went to my counseling session(which I REALLY didn't want to do because of a bad previous counseling type session two days before). Anyways, during that session, between me, BJ, and my counselor, we found out what has been the cause of pretty much all my mental/emotional/physical/spiritual problems for the last 22 years. I realized that although I have absolute 100% faith in my Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, and the power of the Atonement to heal me (mentally, emotionally, etc), I did not believe that I could do my part. I had no faith in my ability to do my part in applying the purifying, cleansing, healing power of the Atonement.
Realizing that about myself has changed everything. Through that experience I have come to know that with my LOVING Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ, through the Atonement, I can be healed from anything that happens to me. I feel so light, and like a GINORMOUS weight, that I have been carrying for 22 years, has been lifted off my shoulders. I have power and control over my actions, and I have the ability and I am worthy of being a normal, balanced, healed person. That is a powerful feeling, and powerful knowledge.
Getting to the root of my problems, released a lot of other unresolved issues I have been carrying around. I have realized that pretty much all my life, that I remember, I have been afraid of going to bed because something awful might happen tomorrow(like it has over and over in my life since I was 5 with my parents divorce). And I didn't know how to deal with things when really bad things happened. SO I feared and dreaded tomorrow. Especially in the last few years when one really horrible thing after another, with no pauses,was happening. And now that I have the confidence in myself to do what I need to do, I know that when bad things happen I can do what it takes to turn toward my LOVING LOVING LOVING Heavenly Father, and through His Son's Atonement ANY grief I feel can be healed. That is so powerful! This knowledge has changed my life this last week! I feel so different. I don't feel so afraid all the time like I used to. It has changed everything in every area of my life.
I also realized a week ago that I did not feel worth trying to understand, especially when I am having a hard time communicating. All my life I have felt that. It is a HORRIBLE feeling to feel unworth energy on another person's behalf to get to know you. It affects your relationships, and obviously your own feelings of self worth. I have been so grateful this last week to have been able to hang out with some of my old college roommates who love me so dearly no matter how sick I have been, or how fat I have gotten because of that sickness. They love me just as me, and they know I am imperfect and will make mistakes, but they love me and want to be around me even, and sometimes espcially, when I am going through these times of changing. I am also so grateful for a husband who has, the whole time, seen who I AM, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And chooses to see who I AM everyday no matter what is going on.
I feel so blessed to have had the hard experiences I have had in my life. I have felt my Savior's love and my Heavenly Father's love all the more because of these experiences. I am so grateful for the absolutely consuming peace I have felt this last week as I have been healing emotionally/spiritually/etc. I know this feeling is from our loving Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for my family and friends who have shown so much patience and love toward me, especially when it was hard. And mostly, today I am so grateful for the personal revelation that I have gotten in the last two weeks, and for the knowledge that anyone who wants this knwoledge only has to ask our loving Heavenly Father, and He is WAITING and LONGING to give it to you SO FREELY!
Happy Sabbath!
love
Clair:)
5 comments:
Clair,
Thank you for sharing this. I have had some similar feelings lately,so thank you for your testimony.
You are so sweet, and special, and beautiful. Hang in there, and keep the faith!
I miss you!
Love,
Monica
Yea! I'm so happy for you to have found peace. You're a wonderful person. A goddess in embryo in fact. :) I've come to learn some really liberating and peace-giving things myself this year . . . guess I was finally ready to learn it. Love you, Clair! Consider yourself hugged by me. :D
You should read "Believing Christ"!!! It's a book by Stephen E Robinson and one that I should probably reread. Heavenly Father wouldn't give us anything we couldn't handle.
So thankful that you have wonderful BJ to grow with :)
I'm so glad that things are looking up for you inside and out! Annjilla said that you are looking so good. I want to see pictures, since I don't get to see you anymore. :)
It really is hard when I don't feel like I'm worth anyone's time or energy to be their friend or get to know me. I've experienced this more than ever since I started being a stay-at-home mom. I've noticed this world is becoming a world that doesn't support moms at home as much as it used to. I think it's part of the Adversary's tactic to make us feel alone. ...but we're not! I know there are so many other moms at home feeling the same way. We all need to support each other and be friends no matter what!
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